"The plans have changed"

June 15, 2005
One of our very favorite movies to watch is MGM's glorious Technicolor musical, "Meet Me in St. Louis." This 1946 (?) gem with Judy Garland features several famous songs, "The Boy Next Door", "The Trolley Song", and, of course, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." My videotape actually broke from use, so I want to get the DVD version.

June 14
After we got Earl checked in, I went to the Smith Lounge (waiting area for family of surgical patients), got a cup of coffee and listened to the volunteer, Marilyn, merrily explain the rules of the Lounge. Since the actual employee that gives out the pagers to family was not there yet, I figured I might as well try to eat something. There are guilty feelings eating anything when I know my husband haves the problem he has, but Earl has told me several times over the past couple weeks, "don't be silly" and he would tell me now to "make good use of my time."
It was just after 7am when I returned to the Smith Lounge where I spoke to Marilyn who advised that the employee was still not there, so I wandered in to the Atrium. I then saw Rev. Dave Byrum coming toward me. We went to the au bon Pain Cafe' (what a name!) and talked about everything while he had some breakfast. I found out that Dave was able to be with Earl in pre-op, after I had to say goodbye. I know that meant a lot to Earl--it did to me.
After Dave left, I went back again to the Smith Lounge and received my pager--a big thing like they give you at restaurants--wandered around for a while, then met up with Earl's Mom & Dad and sister & bro-in-law in the lounge. Within another 30 min. or so, my sister, brother, and Jonathan & his girlfriend, Megan arrived.
We all talked and joked for awhile before Sandy, Jon & Megan decided to get something to eat. I showed them the way to the cafeteria (cheaper than Pain) and sat for several minutes but wanted to get back to the lounge. I had the pager with me and it had not started flashing; however, when I walked in the private waiting room (for large families) I found out that the esophagectomy had NOT been performed, since the cancer had spread.
The next several minutes is pretty fuzzy--I remeber saying over & over that the pager had not gone off, so the dr. could not have called & talked to anyone else--I'm his wife. I mumbled "this isn't happening" and left the room. I was numb and paced the hallway until my big brother, Jim, came & hugged me. I broke down and sobbed that this CAN'T happen to this GOOD man! Why isn't it happening to one of the many SCUMBAGS on the face of the earth! (Oh, I also found out later that Michael Jackson was "found" to be Not Guilty.)
The rest of the day alternated between numbness, sobbing and thinking (too much) and waiting. I spoke to the doctor the 2nd time he called the room. He repeated what he had told Dad earlier, also that the tumor had spread to the bowel, pancreas and some lymph nodes. A feeding tube had been inserted into his stomach to make sure he stayed strong for the upcoming chemo & radiation. He said the treatments could be given at Porter in Valpo to eliminate several trips to Rush.
I had remarked in an earlier post about the generosity of friends, but neglected to mention friends of friends, and even complete strangers. From the cleaning lady at 2 am who gave me a styro cup to sneak a cup of hot water for tea from the now-closed Smith Lounge, to Marianna's friend, Breann, a surgical intensive care nurse at Rush who was supposed to have Earl as a patient. When the major portion of his surgery was cancelled, he spent a few hours in recovery before going directly to his room on 8North. Breann not only called me Monday night at Marianna's and explained the (now cancelled) procedure and answered questions, but came down to the Smith Lounge in person, explained what she could, and gave me her work & cell numbers in case I wanted to talk to her. How can all of this be happenstance?
After Earl was settled in his room, we all got to go in & talk to him. I decided right there to sleep in his room; the hospital brought in a sleeper chair & linens. Everyone left, I made up the bed, talked to Earl (who was in & out) and I think I actually slept between 8:30 & 10:05. I was up most of the night (mostly writing this in longhand before I was able to get to the blog), silently crying in the closed Smith Lounge, sipping my contraband tea, or walking the hospital. I returned to the room and slept off & on between ~ 3:20 & 5:30. Marianna was coming at 8am to bring my clothes & things that I had left at her place, so long ago.
It is now almost 11am; I want to get back to my husband soon.


One of my favorite scenes (not as well remembered as Margaret O'Brien smashing the snowmen when they thought they were leaving St. Louis), is one before that, when Judy & her sister (was the actress Lucille Bremer?) were at the Christmas dance. The sisters were attempting to sabotage the dance for an out-of-town girl (June whats-her-name--Timmy's mom on Lassie) whom they thought was trying to steal Lucille's beau. When Lucille found out that was NOT the case, she advised Judy, who had just joined the group, that "The Plans Have Changed." Boy, have they.